This will be a sort of different post compared to the old ones I have on this old blog. The truth is that I need a place to find something I've lost for a long time now: motivation to create.
Every artist is bound to face this eventually, some with more frequency than others. Sadly I'm one to experience those a little more often than I would like. Don't get me wrong, I get that this is normal and perfectly healthy when it comes on moderate dosages. We all need to look inside every now and then, make a pause and try to reevaluate what drives us to do the things we do and why we do them.
I'm now 25 years old and I still have a lot of doubts regarding what I want to do with my professional life. People regularly try to remind me that I'm still young as a way to calm me down and, as much as I do believe it's true, I've been hearing those things ever since I was 19 years old and was beginning to walk down the road to become an artist. I don't think I'm less anxious than I was before or more knowledgeable regarding what I wanna do . As a matter of fact, I've never felt THIS anxious before.
I promised myself I would try to make this post as short as I could but I can feel I'm probably gonna fail. HARD. Anyways, I suppose I need to provide some context for this to make sense.
By the end of 2011 and middle of 2012 I was going through and amazing moment in my life when it came to art and my professional life. I was blossoming as an artist and was given the opportunity to develop my art skills on a level I could never imagine. I was meeting awesome artists and learning a lot from them. On the other hand, I was facing a rough time in my personal life. I was trying hard to focus on my work and set goals for my future but everything felt a little too overwhelming and I simply couldn't handle everything that was going on. As a result, I withdrew myself from all the things going on in my life. I isolated myself physically and mentally from everything I knew and decided to go solo in a journey through self-knowledge only to realize that I would end up trapped within deep sadness and solitude. I had lost all my will to draw and to create. All my imaginary worlds and ideas were just gone. I felt disconnected from everything I thought I was or could be. Call me immature, I don't mind, to run away as a way to find yourself....But it was a phase I had to go through. It lasted 2 to 3 years for me to recover and for my wounds to properly heal.
I still face some ghosts from this time. However, what haunts me the most is the realization that I still don't feel completely healed. I'm haunted by the all that time I've "lost" trying to tame this monster who insisted on controlling my life.I know I'm stronger now and I'm ready for another round. I was on a break for too long. I'm ready to pursue all the things I've lost and all the unknown things I still wanna conquer. I'm still fragile, though, but I'm fighting between the ashes to be reborn. (This was meant to be profound but it probably sounded lame. meh. whatevs)
I'm writing on this blog again because I need to keep track of my progress. There is so much I wanna achieve. For that I really need to focus and fight to maintain my motivation levels high enough. It might be weird but it really helps me to have a place I can be honest about my expectations and fears. There is no social media that makes me feel safe like my blog does. In here, there is just no pressure and this is exactly what I need right now.
I will write about my art related goals in future posts because this one is already longer than I anticipated. I plan on posting objective art studies here and then analyze what I've learned, where I found more difficulties during the process and etc. I don't have an agenda even though I really think I need one eventually. For the moment, I'm just trying to find my passion again without putting too much pressure on my shoulders.
For now, have some wolfies.
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